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The Gray and Tannen’s Experiential Relationship Styles

In 1990s, psychology books about gender, communication, and language were extremely popular. At the time, the bestsellers were Man Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus by John Gray and You Just Don’t Understand by Deborah Tannen.

Both Tannen and Gray reached millions of people with the metaphors that described how men and women communicate differently. Instead of trying to force men and women into templates that don’t fit them, Gray and Tannen’s experiential relationship styles show the differences between women and men and promote communication through understanding of these basic differences. They make an argument about how women and men act and what they want to hear in a conversation. The examples help the reader to see the ideas and arguments of the authors and make the books more interesting.

The book by John Gray Men Are from Mars, Women are from Venus, has a chapter titled Conversations in different languages. Gray says that initially the Martians and Venusians did not hesitate in choosing the style of communication because they knew that their languages were incomprehensible to their interlocutors. Modern men and women, on the contrary, have an illusion, believing that they speak the same language. However, even though they use the same words, these words have different meanings to the representatives of different sexes. As a result, men and women often do not understand each other.

The idea that men and women, so to speak, speak different languages, of course, is not new. The myth about Mars and Venus made it popular again. What once was a figure of speech, now acquired the full value of scientific truth. Today, many believe that the misunderstandings between men and women are a widespread and serious problem.

The most influential and popular work on the theme of misunderstanding between men and women is You Just Don’t Understand by Deborah Tannen. It is really based on linguistic studies but they were not the subject of language and gender. As a student Tannen worked with John Gumperz, a specialist in the field of voice communication between members of different ethnic groups. Gumperz showed that subtle differences in speech between the representatives of the two ethnic groups can lead to the phenomenon, which he defined as cross-interference, misinterpretations of words between the representatives of different groups, which they do not realize. Deborah Tannen took the idea of cross-interference and applied it in the case of communication between men and women.

In 1990s, psychology books about gender, communication, and language were extremely popular. At the time, the bestsellers were Man Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus by John Gray and You Just Don’t Understand by Deborah Tannen.

Both Tannen and Gray reached millions of people with the metaphors that described how men and women communicate differently.

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12 February 2017
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